I’ve been married for 11 years and can’t stop thinking about the girl I dated 16 years ago

Posted by

Ive been married for 11 years and cant stop thinking about the girl I dated 16 years ago

Related posts

I have what I consider to be a good healthy relationship with my wife.

For some reason though, I recently am unable to stop thinking about a girl I dated 16 years ago, for the entirety of a month. The relationship was normal for 2 20 year olds. We liked to low key hangout, and have lots of sex.

The relationship ended abruptly one day. She and I hung out with a group of people on Saturday night, did our normal at home thing, then got up Sunday and went to a friend’s college graduation party. Then, as I remember it, she seemed super distant, and just up and left. That was the end of it.

I remember at the time I took the breakup really hard. Called off work 3 days, got super drunk, cried to my friends.

The other night I had a dream about her, and in the dream I kept calling her “the one that got away”. I know that isn’t true in any sense of the word. We definitely both went completely different directions in life as far as I know. I dont really know much about her, as we completely stopped talking at the end of our relationship, and never stayed friends.

Ever since that dream, I have been rehashing those 4-5 weeks, 16 years ago, over and over again in my mind. It’s driving me nuts.

I am not sure how to bring this up to my wife, or even if I should mention it. I’ve read a few self help articles saying this all really points to me just never getting closure on the relationship.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

John M. Kaman’s answer: Your situation underscores a common human experience: the lingering thoughts of “what if” and “the one that got away,” especially when triggered by something as potent as a dream. It’s important to recognize that these thoughts, while intense, are more reflective of your inner psyche than of your current relationship with your wife or your past relationship with this other woman.

Firstly, it’s crucial to acknowledge that the human mind is complex. Memories, especially those tied to intense emotions like a sudden breakup, can resurface unexpectedly, often colored by nostalgia that glosses over the reality of the situation. The fact that this relationship lasted a brief period and ended so long ago, combined with the sudden and unresolved way it concluded, has likely left a mark on your subconscious, leading to its emergence in your dream.

Regarding whether to share these feelings with your wife, consider the foundation of your relationship. Transparency and honesty are vital, but so is sensitivity to your partner’s feelings. Before opening up about this, reflect on the purpose it would serve. Will sharing alleviate your confusion, or might it introduce unnecessary insecurity or tension into your marriage? If you decide to share, frame it in a way that emphasizes your commitment to your marriage and your desire to understand these unexpected feelings, not as a reflection of dissatisfaction with your relationship.

Seeking closure on the past relationship is a personal journey that may not involve reconnecting with the person from your past. Instead, it could mean coming to terms with the fact that some experiences in our lives remain unresolved and recognizing that it’s okay. It’s also an opportunity to appreciate what you have built with your wife over the years.

Consider exploring these feelings through journaling or speaking with a therapist. Sometimes, digging into these emotions with a professional can provide clarity and help you understand why this past relationship has taken such a prominent place in your thoughts now. It may reveal underlying feelings or needs in your current life that are seeking attention.

Remember, it’s not uncommon for people in long-term relationships to occasionally wonder about past connections. However, it’s what you do with these thoughts that matters. Focusing on nurturing your marriage, investing in shared experiences, and communicating openly with your wife about your feelings (in a considerate way) can reinforce the bond you share.

In essence, this moment could be an opportunity for personal growth and a deeper understanding of yourself and your marriage. Embrace it as a chance to reaffirm your commitment to your wife and to appreciate the life you’ve built together.

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *