Throwaway for obvious reasons. My husband and I have (what I thought of as) a very honest, loving, and transparent relationship. He is my absolute best friend and I love him to pieces.
We have 2 young kids. We have been married for 3 years, dating for over 4 years. Our sex life has always been pretty much non-existent. The first several months of our relationship we had sex about twice a month. Then when I was pregnant with our first, we had sex MAYBE once a month or every two months.. it’s been that way the past 3 years. The longest we’ve gone without sex was somewhere around 8 months. I’ve learned to accept his low drive and it hasn’t bothered me so much anymore because I understand different people have different sex drives and I love him enough to kind of forget about it. Plus, it’s GREAT when we do.
We have never gone through each other’s phones, never felt the need to, but the option was always there. We have both been cheated on in past relationships and always* said “If you feel insecure and need to go through my phone for any reason, you’re more than welcome to.” It’s never been any different. We’ve never hidden anything from each other.
On Saturday, I went on his computer to send a photoshop file to my own computer. Again, never been an issue, except I came across some nudes of women that he had dated in the past. About 30 pics, 4 different women. I confronted him immediately and he explained and SHOWED to me that he had linked his old such-and-such account to his computer and the pics were from an old folder on his old hard drive from years and years and years ago. One of them from when he was 18. I let it go and didn’t think anything else of it until today. I wondered about timestamps. And something just didn’t sit right with me. The pictures said they were added March 11th 2023 at 12:40 p.m. then the last picture that was added was added on the same date at 1:07 p.m. computers do weird things sometimes, but I didn’t understand why, if the photos had automatically downloaded, why the timestamps would have been different. (Wouldn’t they all say they were added at the same time???) Didn’t sit right with me so I got extremely paranoid and did a deep-dive.
I need to preface this next part by saying we have had a fairly-ish openness about our relationship, discussing fantasies and such. I’m bi and he said that if I wanted to explore with he would be open to it. I told him that I think I would be okay with him experimenting with men if he wanted to but I KNOW FOR A FACT that I ALSO SAID “I would want you to tell me everything because I might change my mind before it got physical.” And I also expressed to him that I WOULD consider it cheating if he was experimenting but didn’t at least let me know that he was. I, myself, have had a couple sexy ish convos with women and let him know every time, made sure he was comfortable with it every time. He assured me he didn’t mind.
This brings me to searching his phone.. I didn’t really find anything other than a few saved woman-on-woman porn videos. I already knew he watched porn so it wasn’t a shock… Until i checked “hidden apps’ and found grindr. Naturally, I was surprised and looked through.. he didn’t have TOO MANY conversations but he did send a couple sexts and a dick pic to someone.
He swears he never met up with anyone in person but one of his messages to a guy said “I usually prefer to meet up anon since I can’t host.” He told the guy his location so……..
Now here’s the thing. He’s mad AT ME for looking through his phone. He said that obviously when he said I could go through his phone “obviously I meant messages if a woman texts me or something.” I told him that absolutely was not obvious because we’ve always been transparent.u
He says that he feels hurt and violated and feels like I read his diary. He said he’s ashamed and embarrassed and that I “went too far” in my deep dive and found his “deepest darkest secret.” After I found the account he was forced to tell me that the reason he’s doing it is because of childhood trauma and wanting to have power back. Not going to get into that, but I told him that I felt hurt and betrayed and he ROLLED HIS EYES AND SAID “I TOLD YOU WHY I DID IT.”
Can someone please shed some light on this?!?! He’s talking about separating because he said that I violated the only safe space he has. He says that HE will never be able to get past this and insists that he did nothing wrong because he “never met up with anyone.”
Again, he’s my best friend and I DO feel horrible for violating his privacy and I apologized to him and said I’m sorry that he had to talk about his trauma. He said it’s ridiculous that I feel like he cheated on me. He said “You said it was fine” but he also said he’s been on grindr on and off for several years even before we met because of the trauma stuff. I am the farthest from homophobic and he knows this. I told him I would be open to it as long as he was transparent.
I feel so fucking hurt and betrayed and I don’t know if I even trust him at all anymore. Someone please tell me what to do. He’s talking about separating and i won’t want the kids to go through that. I told him I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS suggest that because he’s my best friend and I would crawl through broken glass to get to him if I had to. I love him so much I don’t know what to do. I tried to get him to agree to therapy and he didn’t say yes or no.
John’s answer: First off, trust is the name of the game in any relationship. It’s like the glue that keeps the puzzle pieces together. When that trust starts to crumble, it’s no surprise you’re feeling all sorts of shook up. Now, finding those pics on his computer and the Grindr account is like stumbling on a secret passage in a house you thought you knew every nook and cranny of.
Your hubby’s reaction is a mixed bag. On one hand, he’s got the right to feel a bit cornered since his personal biz just got thrown into the spotlight. But on the other hand, rolling his eyes and getting mad at you for feeling betrayed? That’s not the way to handle it, chief.
It’s like this: you guys had an understanding that if the yard got muddy, you’d both come clean about it. But it feels like he’s been playing in the mud without giving you the heads up. Now he’s using this childhood trauma as a get-out-of-jail-free card, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Trauma is no joke, and it deserves to be treated seriously, but it doesn’t give anyone a free pass to break the rules of the relationship road.
Him talking about separation over this feels like he’s trying to jump ship instead of patching up the hole. It’s like, “Hello? We’re in this together, remember?” But if he’s been cruising on Grindr for years, even before you were a thing, then it’s clear this ain’t just a one-time oopsie. It’s a pattern, and that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
So, what’s the game plan? Well, pushing for therapy is a solid move. It’s like bringing in a professional referee to help sort through the play-by-play. If he’s not keen on that idea, well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink, right?
Now, I know you feel like you’d go to the ends of the Earth for this man, and that’s real love right there. But don’t forget to strap on your own oxygen mask before helping others. You need to make sure you’re not losing yourself while trying to hold onto someone else.
Bottom line: you both gotta lay your cards on the table. If he’s serious about making things work, then transparency and therapy are the yellow brick road to follow. If he’s not willing to work on things, then you’ve got some tough decisions ahead. Remember, it takes two to tango, and you can’t dance a duet if your partner’s sitting this one out.
Take care of yourself, okay? And don’t forget, trust is a two-way street. If he’s hiding parts of his life in the shadows, then it’s fair for you to shine a light on ’em. Just be sure to keep your own well-being in the spotlight too.
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