I caught my husband sleeping with a young girl when I came home early

My fiancé and I have been together since high school, engaged for 1.5 years, with our wedding scheduled in 7 months.

Last Friday, after work, I had dinner and drinks planned with a friend, a plan made the week prior. That day, I texted my fiancé to let him know I’d be home by midnight, and we continued to text about other things afterward. Oddly, during dinner, he texted to ask when I’d be back, even though I had already informed him I’d return around midnight.

However, after dinner, I felt nauseous and ended up vomiting in the restaurant’s bathroom, likely due to bad food. Feeling ill around 8pm, I decided to head home early without notifying my fiancé.

Upon opening the front door, I heard loud footsteps upstairs. Announcing my early return, I was surprised by a girl at the top of the stairs who introduced herself (her name escapes me), saying she was just leaving. In shock, I let her pass and confronted my fiancé, who was speechless. Furious, realizing he was cheating on me, I started packing to stay at my parents’, while he sat silently, merely apologizing without providing any explanation. We had no real conversation before I left.

Currently, I’m still at my parents’. The woman turned out to be an escort. My fiancé insists he’s sorry, claiming a lack of intimacy in our relationship led him to make a one-time mistake. He still wants us to be together and proceed with the marriage.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to stay with him, considering our decade-long relationship and the fact that it was a meaningless encounter with an escort. Yet, I can’t shake off the disgust, sadness, and anger that flood in whenever I think about the incident.

Jessica’s answer: I’m genuinely sorry you’re facing such a difficult situation, especially with the deep history and the upcoming wedding you’ve been looking forward to. It’s clear this revelation has caused a lot of pain and confusion, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling torn. Let’s walk through this together, shall we?

First off, it’s crucial to acknowledge your feelings of disgust, sadness, and anger as valid and natural responses to betrayal. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and when it’s broken, it shakes the foundation of what you’ve built together. The fact that your fiancé turned to an escort due to a perceived lack of intimacy in your relationship points to deeper issues that need addressing. Communication gaps, unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts can often lead to actions that one might later regret. However, it’s important to note that there are healthier ways to deal with such issues, primarily through open and honest dialogue.

The decision on what to do next is deeply personal and requires a lot of introspection. Here are a few points to consider:

1. Communication and Honesty: Can you and your fiancé engage in a genuinely open conversation about what happened and why? Understanding the root cause of his actions is crucial in determining whether this is something you can move past. It’s also important for him to understand the depth of your hurt and the breach of trust.
2. Willingness to Work on Issues: Is your fiancé willing to work on the underlying issues that led to this betrayal? This could include couples therapy, individual therapy, or making concrete changes in how you communicate and fulfill each other’s needs.
3. Your Emotional Well-Being: How does staying in this relationship versus leaving it impact your emotional well-being and self-respect? Sometimes, love alone isn’t enough to overcome the damage done by betrayal. It’s important to listen to your intuition and consider whether you can genuinely forgive and rebuild trust.
4. The Foundation of Your Relationship: Reflect on the overall health and happiness of your relationship. Is this incident an outlier in an otherwise loving and supportive partnership, or is it a symptom of ongoing issues? The context matters significantly in weighing your options.
5. Future Trust: Do you believe you can trust your fiancé again? Rebuilding trust takes time, effort, and consistent behavior change. Consider whether you feel this is possible and whether your fiancé is committed to making amends.
6. Support System: Lean on your support system during this time. Friends, family, and professional counselors can offer perspectives and support that can help you navigate your emotions and decisions.

Remember, there’s no rush to make a decision. Allow yourself the time you need to process your feelings and consider what’s best for you in the long term. Whatever you decide, ensure it’s a choice that respects your well-being and future happiness.